Hi all!
Roughly a year ago, I moved to Scotland and in with my girlfriend (it seemed like a good idea at the time) and since moving north of the border I have learned a thing or two that may aid in survival.
Rule One; Don't be English!
If you can, don't be an Englishman living in Scotland. I don't know why, but the Scottish people seem to dislike us, something to do with Mel Gibson I think? I'm not too sure. Whether it comes to sport (something they're infinitely passionate about) or beer (something they know very little about) Scottish people think that their country is better than England and no amount of arguing will dissuade them.
Rule Two; if you can't not be English, don't try to be Scottish
Don't do the accent. While in your head you're blending seamlessly in with the indigenous peoples, you're not. In fact, you're revealing yourself as English, which is breaking rule one! God damn rules.
Rule Three; don't mention 'Rangers vs Celtic thing'
You like football? Not as fiercely as these guys, and saying the wrong thing (like the rangers aren't a real team, or Celtic are just wannabe Irish) can get you in a whole heap of trouble, and the recipient of your comment will then talk your ear off whilst explaining in explicit detail why you're wrong, and then they might damage you for being wrong.
Rule Four; don't head outside the cities
Scotland only has a few cities, Edinburgh and Glasgow. You won't understand a god damn word being said. It's like another language.
And they’ll judge you for not understanding. And then you’ll be ridiculed. Maybe. Or maybe they’re trying to be helpful. I really can’t tell.
And finally,
Rule Five; Don’t, and I mean DON’T talk politics with these people.
These people… is that racist? I guess this whole thing is on the borderline. Too late to worry about that now. So, politics? We all know that Scotland is basically just a couple of big counties stuck above Cumbria, but if you even say anything of the sort then prepare for the tongue lashing of a lifetime. I live with a Scottish girl, and if ever I even suggest that Scotland isn’t a real country, well I soon wish I hadn’t. And don’t even get me started on the whole ‘independence’ fiasco. No no no no no. No no no no no no no no. Nope. Not happening.
Anyways. Its my day off and my lovely girlfriend has given me a list of chores to do, so I had better crack on before she gets home.
Enjoy your week folks.
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