It’s that time of year again folks. That putrid, disgustingly overly flamboyant western holiday celebrating love and compassion and all that shit. Valentine’s day. It’s a worthless, uninteresting, unimportant day that we have been conditioned to celebrate by the whole retail industry who have cottoned on that it is a great money making took. It’s a horrid day that makes some women crazy, and others even crazier!
Now if like me, you’re in a relationship, and your woman has said don’t worry
about it, it doesn’t matter, then you would be forgiven for thinking that this is going to be easy, that you can breeze through the holiday. STOP! That’s a trap! Don’t fall for it.
Right gentlemen. Now that that’s out the way, how do we survive this holiday?
With proper planning and expert execution. That’s how. It’s a challenge, and a lot of us will fall short of the mark, but the aim of this is to get through the day without clothes being thrown from the bedroom window as we frantically dash around the front garden in front of all our neighbors, dressed only in our boxers and that off-white t-shirt (the one with the mustard stain on it. You know the one I mean) doing our best to pick them off the soggy lawn.
Rule one: Don’t propose. It may seem like a good idea, romantic even, to propose on valentine’s day. But it’s not. Its lazy, and cheesy, and it’s a story that she’ll tell everyone she meets for the rest of time! It will haunt you forever. Just don’t do it.
Rule two: Avoid breakfast in bed.
Unless you’re due to change the sheets, (and you’re going to do it yourself) don’t do this. She might ask for it, even enjoy it, but there will be crumbs, and the fact they’re there will be your fault. And they will be the last thing she sees, right before she goes to bed that same night, the crumbs will find a way to her. And her reaction… well it won’t be good.
Rule three: Don’t watch the notebook.
Or any kind of romantic film really. In her head, she’s comparing you to that handsome actor who does everything wrong until the end and then he does everything so right, and we just can’t compete with that. Suddenly you don’t measure up. She then looks over to you, and sees the vacant expression on your face as you try to feign interest in her dumb choice of film whilst secretly hoping she changes her mind and puts Die Hard on. A real boyfriend would never look bored at her choice of movie, he would enjoy it. then what was destined to be a dull 140 mins of waiting for her to realise love was there all along, turns into one of the most memorable fights of your relationship.
Rule four: Plan.
If you rush out at eight in the morning after bragging about the amazing dinner you were about to cook, she knows what you’re doing. this is a bad idea for two reasons. A; she begins to think you don’t care. Not great, but more importantly B; the shops are heaving, there’s nothing there, and flowers are recklessly expensive. Like so expensive. Like SO expensive. And there’s so many people, and all of them are trying to get back fast, hoping that their absence hasn’t been noticed. And finally, and most importantly
Rule Five: Don’t joke.
When she rings her best friend (especially if this is another woman), don’t ask if she’s secretly having an affair.
She won’t find it funny, and she will get mad.
Every time.
I struggle with that last one.
Right gents. Good Luck.
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